Do You Struggle with Perfectionism?
Claiming one is a perfectionist is often worn as a badge of honor. It’s the humblebrag during a job interview: “I believe my greatest weakness is that I’m a bit of a perfectionist.” What this person really wants to say is that they are hardworking.
Those of us who struggle with perfectionism know that it’s nothing to brag about. For many, perfectionism isn’t about striving for perfection, it’s about being seen as being perfect. It’s about perception. The difficulty is that no matter how hard you work, you can’t control what other people see.
There are two types of perfectionists: the overachievers and the underachievers. Both struggle in their own ways.
The Perfectionistic Overachiever
This type of perfectionist sets exceedingly high expectations for themselves (and the people around them). They strive to be seen as absolutely perfect. They believe that if they act perfect, think perfect, and feel perfect that they can move beyond the judgment or reproach of others.
Imagine for a moment that the most negative person you know follows you around all day whispering in your ear about all your mistakes and shortcomings. They taunt you excessively about all the ways you have failed and how you could have done things better. Sounds pretty terrible, right?
The perfectionistic overachiever doesn’t have to imagine this; they live it. They walk around with a little voice in their head constantly judging and ridiculing them. Their inner critic “shoulds” on them all day long. It never stops. They can’t rest. They can’t relax.
This leads them to feel an immense amount of stress and anxiety which may eventually lead to them becoming burnt out or even depressed.
How Does The Perfectionistic Overachiever Cope?
Having a neverending to-do list running in your head is exhausting, so what does the perfectionistic overachiever do to unwind? In my experience, there are typically two outcomes: collapse or numb out.
Perfectionistic overachievers have difficulty accepting what they have done as “good enough,” so they often push themselves to the point of exhaustion. They ignore the signals from their bodies that they need to rest and may even make themselves sick.
Alternatively, they numb out. Over time the perfectionistic overachiever may develop unhealthy coping mechanisms to quiet that little voice in their head.
The Perfectionistic Underachiever
While they share many of the same unhealthy thoughts and patterns as the overachiever, the perfectionistic underachiever is different. While the overachiever is pushed to action by their fear of being judged or ridiculed, the underachiever is paralyzed by it.
The perfectionistic underachiever lives in a world where their best is never good enough. They also fear the judgment of others and possess an intense fear of failure. This can lead the perfectionistic underachiever to procrastinate.
This type of perfectionist says: If I have two weeks to work on a project,
I’m going to spend 13 and a half days doing nothing except worrying about the outcome. Those last twelve hours are going to be caffeine-fueled mania.
When they get their grade back of 58/100, they won’t tell themselves, “Wow. That’s pretty good for pulling an all-nighter to finish a two-week project. Imagine how much better I would have done if I had used my time more effectively…”
No, their inner voice says, “Yep. I knew it. I knew I was going to fail. Maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t put more effort in since I know the outcome would have been the same…”
Many times, perfectionistic thoughts lead us to set expectations that something has to be 100% perfect or it will not work out. This all-or-nothing mindset is a thinking trap that means that something either has to be absolutely perfect or it is not worth doing.
How Does The Perfectionistic Underachiever Cope?
Similar to the overachiever, these perfectionists may also numb out in order to avoid the intense feelings of shame and guilt. They fill their time with unproductive tasks, putting off what they perceive as imminent failure.
Sometimes the underachiever will question their ability to complete a task. They know that what they produce today isn’t as good as what they could create tomorrow, so they put it off. They may watch another tutorial on YouTube or read another research article. They doubt they ever know enough or have enough skill to actually succeed.
This leads to feelings of guilt and shame as they look back and judge the time spent as being wasted. In turn, this creates a negative feedback loop in which they tell themselves, “See? You were right… you are a failure.”
“What If I’m Both?”
It’s not uncommon for some perfectionists to fluctuate between over- and under- achieving. The underachiever may experience bursts of productivity while the overachiever may become more depressed and stagnant.
No matter which type of perfectionist you are, I can help.
Perfectionist Thinking Is Damaging
Perfectionistic thinking compromises your ability to set realistic and achievable goals. You end up falling short of your own expectations. Perfectionism discourages you from trying new things and keeps you from engaging in activities that you may enjoy. It creates a headspace where the fear of failure supersedes the ability to accept accomplishments and therefore impacts your ability to create new goals.
Sometimes you even hold others to the same perfectionistic standards which creates conflict at home and at work. You think, “I should just do it myself because it will not be done the right way.” You take on all of these extra tasks and responsibilities and, soon enough, everything falls on you.
It’s time to make changes and realize that you are good enough.
What Will Therapy for Perfectionism in Ridgewood, New Jersey, Look Like?
You can continue on your path of success and make new goals by working toward an understanding that you can have a flexible mindset. By learning cognitive-behavioral strategies (CBT), you can learn to forgo an all-or-nothing pattern of thinking and learn that what you are asking of yourself is impossible.
We will work toward easing your anxiety and setting goals that are challenging yet achievable. We will focus on your strengths. You will learn to move on from tasks that you completed without negative self-critiques.
You’ll discover that nothing in life is truly perfect, and that’s okay. Even if you could achieve perfection, the result would be fleeting. It’s time to quiet that inner voice and show yourself the same grace and compassion that you demonstrate toward others.
What Is Holding You Back From Beginning Therapy For Perfectionism?
The focus of treatment will be to learn to set reasonable expectations for yourself and others. Time management skills may also be a goal so that work/life balance does not suffer. You will learn ways to avoid procrastination and have more confidence in yourself.
Together, we can work on ways where you can learn to try new things without the fear of failing. Self-acceptance, relaxation techniques, and mindfulness training can help you to learn new ways of thinking. We can work toward embracing yourself and accepting the wonderful and accomplished person that you are so that you can begin to enjoy the life you worked so hard to create!